Random Reflections

I don't think I really have much to say yet I feel the need to write something and reflect about my day...

Some may call me crazy, obsessive, uptight, a bitch, OCD - sometimes I have to agree with these, as that is in fact just the way I am. I'm me, that's all I'll ever be. I have my goals and my dreams and my hopes and my wishes, and I'm doing the best I can to accomplish all that I want in life.

I love my plans, I like to look towards the future and know where I'll be in 10 years. I'm obsessed with Pinterest and Houzz and most of my dreams and nightmares revolve around my current and future family.

So here I am, living a dream in Europe - and sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing.

Without a doubt the things I'm learning here will be some of the most important and most impacting lessons of my life, but there is another part of me that's saying I should be back in the US doing exactly what everyone else is doing. There's a part of me that wishes I was still cramming organic chemistry into my brain until 1am instead of reading "Crónica de una muerte anunciada".

I know I'm learning a lot - way more than I ever could have in the US but at the same time I also feel like I'm losing a lot of what I learned the past summer. Not to mention each day I'm here, I feel like my English is getting worse. I'm afraid I'll forget how to study "for real".

I know school's only gonna get tougher from here and that alone makes me war to push myself, to take more classes, to study more, do something to prepare me for what going back to "real school" will be like in the fall.

I'm afraid I'm not going to have as much of a cushion as I had originally thought. I know math and physics are not my best subjects and that essentially all my next year of school will be composed of.

I miss my normal study spots and being able to take my lunch along with me to the library. I miss eating my goldfish to keep me awake during class. I miss office hours and not being afraid to ask my professor something based on the fact I don't know how to ask what I want to.

I miss having money in my bank account. I worry too much about the future - how will I pay for school, when can I get an apartment, where do I want to live, where will I study, when will I get married, when will I have kids, can I have kids, will I be able to build the house I want, will my grandparents be able to attend my wedding, who will I ask to be my bridesmaids, when?

I hate not knowing - sometimes I wish I could just know what my future holds. But that takes all the fun out of it now doesn't it?

Sigh. That's my thoughts for the night. Not relevant to anything, but it's everything I'm tossing around right now.