Taking A Break To Get All Sentimental

For those of you that don't really know my past, feel free to ignore this post because I'm sure it will not make sense to you, but this is in regards to something that has been on my mind a lot these last few days and I feel the need to write about it.

The first few weeks of April always manage to sneak up on me and catch me off guard. They are weeks that I can still play over and over in my head year after year, the memories not fading. I can recall each day and the emotions in them: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I get caught in the "what ifs", the "would haves", and the "should haves". And as time goes on I'm finding myself more open to talking, more open to really feeling the feelings that I refused (or didn't know how) to show at the time. Each year I grow more, then fall into the "why didn't you know or do this then" thoughts.

I spent a good portion of last night laying awake in bed, listening to the complete silence in my house, unable to sleep, my mind filled with memories, both good and bad, and the same old questions that get me every year. I can really only remember crying once at the time, that moment very clear - lacing up his black suede leather boots for the last time - which, looking back, is quite the literary ending to that part of my life - the kind of ending that you don't realize at the time yet you reflect on forever. I've realized I have this tendency to play the "strong one" for the sake of others (or for myself), I'm really not sure. But last night was different, last night I cried. I cried for what was lost, for the unknown, for the "would haves" and "should haves", for everything I should have said and done, for everything I don't think I was old enough to know, for all the times I should have spoken my mind and shared my true feelings, for everything I was too stubborn to admit, for all the things I wish I could change, and for everything I wish had a different outcome (that conversation in Starbucks, for example).

Every year I learn more and become more of a person I'm happy being, but this year has taught me a lot. I'm learning to recognize the things in my life that still get to me, the parts of me that are still broken - most of which I guess I never really noticed before -, and have realized some things are more important than I originally thought.

So as I lay awake I wondered. How does something that you used to love so much suddenly fade completely from you life? How can something that once was so beautiful and full of passion become such a fight, something so difficult and painful? How do you explain the unexplainable? How do you answer the questions that you will never know the answers to (at least not in this lifetime)? How does someone that you know for such a short amount of time manage to make such an impact in your life? If things had been different, what would be now? Where would my life be? Would this next year be as important and as exciting as we had imagined? And how would all of that affected the current?

It's crazy to think how long ago all of this really was. How young we really were. How big our dreams were. How far we could look into the future.

I thought about the memories since then. The words I can remember spoken, the music that would randomly show up and the emotions it would evoke. The frustrations and the disappointments. The anger and the shame.

There have been things I've wanted to do for years, things I'm not so sure I ever really knew the "true" reasons for. But looking back now, there are reasons. Some things to make peace and hopefully bring back the happiness I used to know, and others just to say "screw you". (Yes, that person should know who she is.) But mainly, just for me. To believe that the love is still there, to look back on and feel content, and just to help heal the hurt of the past.